Why women struggle to speak up and why sisterhood changes everything

You might not believe me when I say: I don’t think the biggest problem women face is a lack of confidence. It’s even part of the This Sister Speaks tagline. But…

I think what actually happens when it comes to using our voices isn’t a confidence prob, it’s when women know exactly what they want to express…and don’t feel able to express it.

I see it everywhere. In staff meetings where a woman starts a point and then softens it halfway through, maybe with a “just a thought” or a quick caveat of “or something like that”. It happens in organisations where everyone is “nice” (NB: I will be writing something about the difference between “nice” and “kind” soon…), but nothing difficult ever gets addressed properly. Actually, I see it in the DMs I get from women who tell me, “I know what I think, what I believe, I just don’t know how to communicate it without it feeling like it’s costing me something.”

And the shitty truth of the matter is: they’re not totally wrong about that feeling. There is oh-so-often a cost.

For generations, those of us socialised as women have been taught that being clear, direct, challenging or visible comes with consequences. So we adapt, don’t we? We become palatable - likeable even - measured, careful. Many of us learn to read the room impeccably before we contribute to it.

It might not seem like much, but over time, that shapes how we show up in our work, in our relationships, in our leadership, and even the way we see ourselves.

And then we wonder why something feels skewiff and we feel frustrated because we’re not showing up fully as we want to. 

Staying quiet can feel so easy…but at what cost?

Silence isn’t this grand symbolic thing (like when Clare in Derry Girls takes her vow of silence…). It tends to show up in smaller, less obvious ways that can be easily (dis)missed. It might be holding back a point on lived experience you understand so well…instead you bite your tongue. Perhaps, as many of my clients and friends do you spend hours rewriting something over and over ‘til it no longer quite reflects what you meant in the first place. It could be that you’re letting something slip through - a misogynistic joke, a slur, a problematic conversation - things that you know need addressing. It’s little - seemingly unnoticeable or hidden - things.

And I totally get it. It feels a helluva lot safer in that exact moment to let things slide or to chew on your cheek. (Even loud-mouth rage-fuelled ADHD no filter me has had moments where I’m like, “will my contribution here just add oil to the fire?” or “urgh if I say that now my family might actually ex-communicate me”…)

But over time, you can probs imagine that it creates a different kind of discomfort from not speaking up. Pent up frustration. Self-doubt. A sense that you’re not fully present in your own life or work. 

And it costs us opportunities, yes, and sometimes even keeps us safe…but I reckon it’s costing us our souls and sense of self too.

Many of the women I work with are already carrying that cost.

I wonder where you’re recognising the impact of constantly editing yourself?

Why sisterhood and community change everything

One thing I have seen, again and again, is women rediscovering their voices in rooms of other women. Sometimes in rooms IRL but often online too, spaces where people speak honestly about what they’re navigating, they tell their stories, and are met with nods of recognition and listening ears rather than side-eyes and judgement.

That moment, when someone says something they have never quite said out loud before, and another human in the room responds with “I thought it was just me”, is so bloody powerful.

And that’s because it disrupts the narrative that telling your story is “too much” or sharing your experience so vulnerably is a personal failing.

Cultural conditioning is being unlearned in some incredible communities - places like The Nurture Club Collective, Composting, The Portal, Wild Coworking, Disobedient Business Mastermind, in my own group This Sister Speaks, and hundreds more!

Photo (of 3 tall girl, community obsessed millenials let loose in Bristol) by the phenomenally talented Becky Rui

Unlearning the conditioning that keeps women quiet

That pesky voice that pops into your head, you know the one…the one that tells you you’re too much, too emotional, too opinionated, too political, or not qualified enough does not appear out of nowhere. 

For me, I literally had it verbatim from the Attorney General (Sir Geoffrey Cox who I stood against) during a General Election hustings debate in 2019. He asked me why I thought I was qualified to be an MP. As if he was any more qualified than me! Pompous old bastard. 

That voice is learned and reinforced through these moments, in our workplaces, at all levels of education, dripped into our brains daily through the media, and in everyday interactions that reward women for being agreeable and penalise them for stepping outside of that.

We’ve adapted to these with behaviours like people-pleasing and perfectionism. And - shocker - they’re not the personality traits we were taught they were in Mizz magazine! 

The good news is: what is learned can be unlearned. It’s not an easy process (my god I WISH!) but it’s a process that is sooooo much harder to do alone.

When you surround yourself with people who are asking similar questions, challenging societal expectations, and practising new ways of communicating, something starts to shift more quickly.

Why women raising their voices is political

Women communicating clearly, setting their own boundaries, challenging decisions and taking up space has always had a political dimension. Ida B. Wells and Sylvia Pankhurst spoke about it. bell hooks and Audre Lorde wrote about it.

Being a woman IS POLITICAL! Us using our voices IS POLITICAL.

And some people reeeeeealllllllllllllllllllllly don’t like it. Silence is useful to certain people. It is key to upholding the systems we are pretty much forced to live in (AKA imperialist white supremacist late-stage capitalist cishetero normative patriarchy). Basically, it keeps power where it is (a la status quo). One might say silence steadies the boat. God forbid it gets rocked!

So when women begin to question things, to challenge systems and name what isn’t working for them, it fucks with the dynamic. That doesn’t mean everything becomes chaotic or confrontational (not always!). But it does mean things become more honest. And honesty, in many systems, is excruciatingly uncomfortable.

This is why I care about this shizzle.

I have zero interest in women becoming more polished or more confident for the sake of it, but I do firmly believe that the ability to communicate what you believe in and doing it with integrity so you don’t burn out, matters. It matters for organisations, in communities, and in the wider world. It matters for your soul!

Amy Kean’s “Unlikeable Women” event in May 2025 is a great example of community!

The power of women supporting women - sisterhood over cisterhood

It is also why the idea of inclusive sisterhood matters so much to me. Not the idealised, surface-level version of pillow-fights and pjs. The real version that allows for openness, honesty, difference, growth and challenge. The kind that moves away from comparison and competition, and towards something more collaborative and supportive.

Many women are understandably cautious of this. Ooooooft if I could tell you all the times I’ve been burned by internalised misogyny!! Most of us have experienced spaces that promised us connection but delivered something else entirely. So that scepticism makes sense - especially in this trust recession! 

However, when a space is genuinely grounded in trust, respect and shared values, the impact is significant. Women begin to take up more space. They feel able to communicate more directly. They begin to rebuild that trust in their instincts. And they support each other more openly.

Unsurprisingly, that has a ripple effect far beyond the room itself.

Nurture Club creative retreat

Why I created This Sister Speaks

Without wanting to sound like a total wanker: this stuff is the foundation of everything I do.

My background in teaching, politics and activism all pointed me in the same direction, even when I was copywriting. Towards understanding how power, voice and communication intersect. To turning apathy and silence into empathy and stories.

This Sister Speaks grew from that back in 2021.

It is by no means a traditional confidence coaching programme (I’m not a coach), though that’s something alumni talk about as a muscle the flex more after spending 6 weeks with me. What it is, is an intimate group space where women come together to explore their voice, their boundaries, their leadership and the way they communicate in the world.

We focus on real conversations that matter, stimulated by the week’s topic but sometimes reflecting the context of <<the horrors>>. 

Women and gender non-conforming peops who join us don’t leave as completely different people, obvs (can you imagine the sales pitch for THAT?!). They leave more like themselves than they’ve felt for years. Clearer, more grounded, equipped with more knowledge, and more able to express what they think and believe.

They leave with a plan and new cheerleaders. Because, crucially, they do all the work alongside other women, not in isolation.

A warm invitation to you

If any of this resonates, if you recognise yourself in the tension between knowing what you think and struggling to communicate it effectively, then you are exactly the kind of person I created this for.

The next round of This Sister Speaks will be starting soon.

If you’d like to be part of it, you can join the waitlist and be the first to hear when doors open.

The 6 weeks together is about having the support, the space and the community to show up as you already are just with a little more courage, and a little less holding back.